The most important thing in understanding stress in a man

Date: Thursday 14 Apr 2022

The most important thing in understanding stress in men is realising that men respond to stress completely differently from women. A man is not going to respond to stress in the same way you do, and he is not going to respond to the same "helpful" behaviours from you that you would from him.

By Amy Guertin, Licensed Counsellor, Love To Know Team

Hormones and Stress

There are three hormones involved in stress reactions:

- Cortisol

- Epinephrine

- Oxytocin

Cortisol and epinephrine are essentially produced in equal amounts in men and women during stressful events. However, it is oxytocin, a bonding hormone (also called "the love hormone"), that is produced and released in much lower amounts in men than women when stressed.

How Hormones Affect Stressed Men Versus Women

In men, lower oxytocin levels lead men to a more typical "fight or flight" response. When stressed, men tend to:

- Become more argumentative

- Respond more critically

- Become less comforting and supportive to others

- Withdraw into themselves, becoming quiet

- Ignore their stress

- Engage in activities by themselves

In women, higher oxytocin levels lead to a "tend and befriend" stress response. When stressed, women tend to:

- Want to be around loved ones and friends

- Become more nurturing

- Share stressful experiences through talking

- Process emotions verbally, frequently by talking about them over and over

To Help a Stressed Man

It isn't possible to hormonally change a man's reaction to stress, but it is possible to alter his hormones in ways that can affect his mood. To help a stressed man, try the following.

Increase Oxytocin

Increasing oxytocin can help with the "tend and befriend" response. One of the easiest ways to increase oxytocin is through touch. When you touch a stressed man, it:

- Activates the vagus nerve in the brain, which triggers the release of oxytocin

- Increases feelings of reward and compassion

- Fosters cooperation and sharing in relationships by signalling safety and trust

- Can inhibit the natural stress response people have toward potential threats

Hold hands, rub his arm as you walk past, or give him a massage. Through touch, you are not only letting him know you care but also helping his brain release oxytocin, which can help reduce his stress.

Increase Testosterone

Increasing testosterone decreases cortisol, the stress hormone. Below are some ways you can help increase his testosterone levels.

- Focus on his successes and achievements.

- Do a physical activity together, like walking or biking.

- Suggest he go work out.

- Encourage him to plan a day trip with his buddies, doing something he enjoys.

- Have sex.

Helping him increase his testosterone levels can help decrease his stress levels.

Take Care of Yourself

In couples, stress tends to hit both parties at the same time. You can't help him with his stress if your own is high. Before stressful events, both of you should make a list of activities that you can do separately to help you reduce stress. When stressed, pick tasks from your list until your stress decreases. Your lists can include anything:

- Taking a hot bath

- Eating a particularly loved food

- Working on the car

- Taking a drive

- Reading

- Watching sports

- Listening to music

Once your own stress level decreases, you can help him reduce his. You aren't any good to anyone else if you aren't any good to yourself.

Turn Down the Emotions

As stated above, men tend to be less supportive and more critical of their partners when stressed. However, research has shown that when women are more matter-of-fact (and less emotional) regarding their own stress, men tend to respond more favourably. Instead of giving a play-by-play of your entire horrible day, complete with your emotional responses, try giving just the basics.

For example, say, "I've had a really bad day, and I'm really stressed tonight."

Likewise, respond to his stress in a less emotional, more neutral manner, such as saying, "I'm sorry you're feeling stressed."

You'll find that you get a better reaction when you're more neutral than when you talk about how you feel crushed about the fight you got into with Marcy at lunch today. Men often struggle to process their own emotional responses. When you add your emotions to theirs, they can get overwhelmed and become terse to protect themselves from further emotional impact.

Ask What You Can Do

Try asking what you can do to help in a more neutral tone.

Say, "You seemed really stressed today. What can I do to help?"

Make sure NOT to:

- Put more of an emotional burden on him

- Ask if you can help, since this will most likely result in an answer of "no"

- Push him if he says, "Nothing" or asks for some time

- Forget to tell him that you are there if he changes his mind

Asking what you can do to help will make him stop and think about what you can actually do.

Be Patient

What may come easily to you when helping a female friend deal with a stressful situation may not be so easy when dealing with a man. Men and women react to and deal with stress very differently. Be prepared for him not to turn to you as you would him.

Realise that for him, the tendency to want to be alone and ignore his stress is natural. For women, this is almost unthinkable. Encourage him to talk and let him know you are there. Expect him to work with you; you are, after all, in a relationship. Just understand it may take a little more time than it would for you.

Content source: https://stress.lovetoknow.com/Understanding_a_Stressed_Man